Having accepted the fates and succumbing to my circumstance, my first few weeks couch surfing in paradise has been pretty good.
It’s been a lil difficult to write or practice, being able to just drop into the ‘zone’ in other peoples spaces is as tricky as regular bowel movements whilst on holiday.
So yeah, it’s been a big time for me.
In the space of a few weeks, I lost my home to bad landlord greed, my son living with me to outrageous circumstances, my dog due to not finding a suitable home and a friend and mentor to cancer.
It's hard to say what exactly broke between my son and I.
Something about the ties of mother and son, that rite of passage work acknowledges with ritual.
It’s like a second birth but away from me. And I, as the bow have sent him forth as a living arrow and geesh, I had to really stretch myself for this one.
Both my son and I felt it acutely, and it’s been really painful for both of us.
I have been lucky and so fortunate to have around me a bevy of beautiful supportive friends who have just ‘held space’ for me.
Yeah, that hippy sounding term that just means they have listened and offered no solutions nor advice and have allowed me to grieve, rage and weep.
There have also been a few beautiful friends that have tried to band-aid my brokenness and weeping heart, and as much as I knew it was because they loved me and wanted me to be ok, it was also because they were uncomfortable with my pain.
Oh and I get it, it’s been pretty damn uncomfortable but I realised that in their haste to fix me they actually, and I’m sure without realising it, caused me more pain.
These few dear friends said things like ‘Oh, that’s just a phase with him’ or ‘It’s not broken, it will be fine’ or ‘Well, now you can do the things YOU want’
They tried to point out the silver lining in my circumstances, and that’s not a bad thing right?
Well….. actually trying to show someone your version of their silver lining is like colouring in your kids colouring-in books for them so they’re perfect and they didn’t have to do it.
They might look good to you and you might feel like you’ve done them a favour but you’ve actually taken away their ability to find the colours themselves and maybe made their silver lining, grey.
I’ve been pretty firm with asking friends not to do this and it’s been really liberating not placating them and asking them to, please, not placate me.
Just allow me to process this complex and difficult time, in my own way.
And as I write this I think about the times I’ve bloody well done this silver lining spoiler myself.
Because I didn’t want someone to feel distress and I can’t help but think maybe, I caused them more. I’m really sorry about that. I’m working on it.
So things are ok in hobo paradise…not ideal, but meh..
As for my silver linings…. now the sun is out, I think I can see them and if I’m right, well they’re nothing what I expected nor what I was told to expect.